Sad Day

So I posted awhile ago that I had news but couldnt share it yet. That time has come. My sister's contract was up here so she's been looking for a new job. She got one. Thats good news. The sad news, I cant move with her. It saddens me that she is going on to better places and Im still stuck in this place. And I cant save money to get to a better place because everything up here is eating what little money I make, FAST.

So after the 1st of the month I will be moving. I had a TERRIBLE time finding a place. Thank the Lord for my cousin. She helped me find some place I could afford. Its going to be weird for awhile. Im sure I will have some interesting posts about it. I think I may be posting more now.

So, remember yesterday I said I was going to call up and flirt with the cute guy, yeah that didnt happen. I know, I know I flaked. Not really. I didnt sleep well last night. The last time I looked at the clock it said 5 am. And then the next thing I knew at 830 maintnence was pounding on the door. They needed to change all the smoke detectors. I was so pissed. Then my alarm went off at 9 so I didnt get any damn sleep. And then after my client, at the time I was supposed to call up and flirt with him, I just went home and took a nice long nap. Yeah I needed it. There is no use in flirting when you're tired. It just doesnt turn out good, AT ALL. There is always Thursday.

Other news, I am trying to win tickets to see Luke Bryan at the Crawford County Fair this year. I still remember the day I discovered him like it was yesterday. That was great. It was at this stupid hole in the wall bar, that apparently is frequented by players from Pittsburgh Pirates, who knew. Anyways, Luke was there because he was visiting his best friend, who happens to play for the guy. Anyway, I was looking for directions on how to get to the airport. I get lost going to that place EVERY DAMN TIME! It never fails, but thats not what this is about. He just started to play 'Y'all Can Have This Town' LOVE IT! (Im still mad that they put it on his third album as a bonus song. It should have been put on his first album. And released as a single. But then again, what do I know? Dont answer that!) Ive loved him ever since. So, now I have to win tickets. Help me!!!!

Ok Im gonna try to head to bed now. I think that nap was a bad idea. Im probably not going to sleep tonight. And there is no room for a nap tomorrow. Night yall!

~Luci

Im So Pathetic

So yet again I have a crush on someone. Yeah its not the bus driver. Loser never made a move even though I gave him more than enough oppertunities. Ok so I didnt really make much of a move either. But whatever. Thats neither here nor there.

So anyway, this is a local guy who has a few jobs. Very nice jobs, lol. Hes a newscaster and a radio DJ. I only get to listen to his program two days a week because I work the other three days while hes on. But I get to see him every night. My one client watches every night so I do too.

Tomorrow I am going to call up and flirt with him. Yeah Im too chickenshit to try to do it face to face. So Im going to call him up during his show and do it. Thats the thing with phones. You get to hide how ugly or fat you are and be just a beautiful voice. Thats my problem. I have a great voice but I dont look like you would think I look based on it. Oh well. Im working on it.

Its been a crazy few weeks. Every minute that Im not working Im spending doing, well, shit I cant say that yet. Damn. No its not anything dirty. God I wish it was.

Well its time for me to head to bed. Im leaving you with these words tonight...... Love will always be around there isnt any doubt.

~Luci

Tonights Quote: Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlights. Just a touch of the fire burning so bright. No I dont want to mess this thing up, no I dont want to push too far. Just a shot in the dark that you just might be the one Ive been waiting for my whole. So baby Im alright with just a kiss goodnight. (This is from the song Im going to call up to request while flirting with him.)

Tonights avatar:

Randomnesssssss

So good news...I bought a car. Its a 2003 Chevy Cavalier!!!!! 2 door! Who would have ever thought I would buy a sports car? Not me. But I did. And its awesome!!!!! It even has a sunroof!!!! Its nice to have it open while Im driving to work. Well, that is, when its not raining. Which isnt very often these days. I will post pics in another post. Thats because I havent really had a chance to take some yet. LOL

I have something I need to say but its not the time to say it yet. Hopefully soon it will be. I will keep everyone updated.

~Luci

Just A Hello

Just stopping in to say hello. I know I havent been around lately. Life has been crazy and Im just trying to muddle through it. But hopefully I will get to be able to post me soon. *Fingers Crossed*

Im going to leave you with this video tonight. Its been stuck in my head for WEEKS now. Enjoy!!!!!




~Luci

Mix Up....Mash Up.....FML

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me....Fighting to make the mirror happy....I count on the make-up to cover it all....Crying myself to sleep because I can not keep their attention....I thought I could be strong....But its killing me....Does someone hear my cry....Im dying for new life....I want to be beautiful....Make you stand in awe....I want to hear you say....Who I am is quite enough....I shouldnt love you but I want to....I just cant turn away....And I dont know how to be fine when Im not....Cause I dont know how to make a feeling stop....Im sick of this life....I just want to scream....And I cant stand the pain....And I cant make it go away....Id do anything just to hold you in my arms....Id do anything just to fall asleep with you....I cant pretend I dont care....When you dont think about me....Im trying to forget that Im addicted to you....But I want it and I need it....How long will I be waiting?....I dont know why Im still waiting....Cant make you mine....I wish I could scream out loud....That I love you....Drowning in my lonliness....How long must I hold my breath?....So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea....If I could say what I want to say....Id say I want to blow you away....Be with you every night....If I could say what I want to see....I want to see you go down on one knee....Marry me today....I guess Im wishing my life away....With these things I'll never say....

~Luci

Just an update.......kind of

Just a warning this post may be full of mistakes because I am using any extremely small keypad that just also hPpens to be on a touch screen. I'm sitting at Starbucks right now and I realized I haven't posted in awhile so while I am sitting here enjoying my coffee and waiting for the bus I thought I would update y'all on whats been going on in my life. Not much really. LOL Really. I'm serious. Just working. Well actuly I did quit kmart finally. Really!!!!! I know it's hard to believe but I did. This was my first weekend off and it was good for the most part. I had a migraine so that kind of putba damper on the weekend. Oh well. Well this post is going nowhere fast so I better stop it. I will post again later tonight after work. Later gators!!!!!

~Luci

I have a secret!

And I have to share it with somebody. Unlucky for you that you chose to read this post and now you get to learn it. LOL

I have a crush. On a guy. Whose name I dont know. But I know him. And he knows me. But he doesnt know my name. And he looks like my old boss. Whom I cant wait for Tuesdays and Thursdays so I get to see him. Whom I wont see much longer. So I think maybe I should make a move. LOL

So how does all of that make any sense? He is the bus driver on one of the routes I take. But since I just got more hours, now taking me to 40/wk, I will soon have enough for my long-awaited car. So, no more bus route. So no more bus driver. I dont know. This is all a little weird. LOL. He looks like my old boss. And if you read the old blog before its untimely demise you know to whom I am referring. And you know thats not the best thing. But, I dont know. There is something about this guy. Everytime I get off at the apartment building to go to my one clients place he always says something like 'Have a great night.' or 'Enjoy your weekend.' And I know that it may sound like he's just being nice, and thats what I thought too, but he doesnt say that to anyone unless they say something like that to him first. But every time, he says it to me without me saying anything to him. And I even catch him looking at me in the mirror. Ok maybe that one is my imagination. Probably is, I dont know.

 And now I find myself looking forward to those bus rides. I find myself actually taking extra time to make myself look good before I leave to catch the bus. I even find myself cursing the wind when it blows my hair to crap while Im at the bus stop. UGH. I need help! So do you guys think I should say something more to him? I mean its complicated. I cant just slip him my number with Call me written on it. There are LOTS of people on the bus. I dont know. I dont know anything! HELP!!!!

~Luci

Current mood: Happy, Scared, Weird
Currently reading: Naughty Neighbor ~ Janet Evanovich

Tonights quote: The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present. ~ Unknown
Tonights avatar:

Its just a game

Thats right its just a game. And on Monday morning the sun is still going to rise. Thats what a local anchorman said of the Super Bowl and whether or not the Steelers win. I pray they lose. I HATE the steelers and their ridiculous fans. They are one of two teams in the history of the NFL that cheat, knowingly, and get away with it. But thats not what I came here to say.

Scott Bremner has this weekly segment on the 6 oclock news called Thoughts From Under The Hat. And even though hes a Steelers fan I have to agree with what he said on Friday. He also talked about how ridiculous the fans of all teams are becoming. After reading this, head on over to the video and hear him actually say it, HERE

Okay, I'm just going to say it, so everyone just try to contain your emotions.
It's just a game.
I know, I know, it sounds a bit blasphemous, coming just two days before the Super Bowl.
But come Monday morning, the sun will still come up (just not around here), the kids will still ignore you and the boss will still wonder why that report wasn't finished five minutes ago.
It may be even more unbelievable that those words are coming from me, a lifelong Steelers fan.
But maybe "fan" is too mild a term.
My father still swears that when they cut the cord at my birth, it bled Black and Gold.
He and I would watch the games together in my youth, my father making odd clucking sounds or would "tsk-tsk-tsk" when the Steelers botched a play.
To this day every time I hear that sound I still look around to see who scored a touchdown.
Those seem like kinder and gentler days then, when people could root for different teams without fear, when the ribbing had limits that didn't include the threat of bodily harm.
Now going to a stadium wearing the visitor's colors is more an open invitation to mayhem and you should consider yourself fortunate if all that happens is getting drenched in beer.
It's gotten to the point that when I go I rarely wear the garb, if for no other reason than I simply have grown weary of the noise.
And no, gentle viewers, Steelers fans aren't worse than Browns fans and Raider fans aren't worse than Dallas fans.
Jerks are universal.
So enjoy the game this weekend and remember it's just a game.
The real world will return soon enough Monday morning.

 I do have to disagree with one statement he said, Steelers fans ARE worse than browns fans, and even Dallas fans. LOL So think about what he said the next time you hurl insults at the opposing teams fans. They are just trying to have a good time just like you, even if they are cheering for cheaters and rapists.

Enjoy the Super Bowl. Go Packers!!!!!!!!

~Luci

Current Mood: Happy, Thoughful, Contemplative
Currently Watching: Weeds Season 1

Tonights quote: God gives us dreams a size too big so that we can grow in them.  ~Author Unknown
Tonights Avatar:

It hurts

I have this client whose insurance company will only pay for a licensed nurse to come in and do things for them, not aides. So I took on this client for the company. But right now Im begining to think that was a VERY BAD idea. She is on this kick that if my hands arent in a bucket of cleaning solution than Im not doing anything. Which is bullshit, but whatever. With the weather being ridiculously crappy right now and the cleaning solutions my knuckles are EXTREMELY dry. I mean so dry they are cracked and bleeding. It hurts alot. Ive been using lotion, body cream, body butter. I dont know what else to do. Well, except, maybe drop the client. But I cant do that because I need the hours. UGH.

My sister thinks that I should try the night emoillient in the Satin Hands collection from Mary Kay. It just makes my knuckles burn more. I dont know what to do. Ive racked my brain for anything that may be hidden in the corners of  my brain, somethinaloeg I may have learned in school, but Im coming up blank. I have even tried aloe. Pure, 100%, straight from the plant aloe. And thats not helping. So if anyone out there knows something that will work please, please, please let me know.

~Luci

Great Musing From A Good Friend

I have this friend, I know shocking!, that everytime he opens his mouth Im afraid for the world. He always says such inappropriate things, but at the same time they make you think. Most of the time Im thinking about what the hell he's been smoking, and how can I get some. LOL Like last night I get a text from him, and what does it say? 'Who would win in a fight, Mrs Butterworth or Aunt Jemima?'

Seriously! He always makes me laugh. I was going through all of my texts from him and found this one, 'I want to shank mother nature.' To be followed up by 'The awkward moment in the van when you realize there is no candy' I even have one from him that says 'People say live within your means but if I did that I would be fighting homeless people for their boxes.'

Yes these are the things he sends me. And lets not even get started on what the hell he says. He once told me 'She told me last night that I was getting it tonight!!!!!!' Yeah like he was going to get it from me. LOL.

But my all time favorite from him are 'I have a hypothesis that a rhinocerous is just an obese unicorn, thus proving their existence!,' and 'Does lighting a fat kid on fire count as burning calories?'

He makes me smile!

~Luci

Why dont you go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick

HAHA dont we all wish we could say that shit to people at least once a day?

So even though today was my day to sleep in, I mean really sleep in, not get out of bed til after 11am. Guess who was up before 9? Thats right, This girl. The car had to be serviced and it was going to take more than 4 hours so my sister was going to take the dealerships shuttle to the mall. Since I needed a few things from the mall I decided to tag along. So that meant an early day. UGH. Oh well. It ended up being a good day. I got some new bras and some new undies. Cant wait to show them off. LOL. And then I got new eyeliner, since I have been out of the glitter eyeliner for a few months. Thats how often I make it to the mall. Im not a teeny-bopper and the mall and the people annoy me. But anyway, then we headed to Bath & Body Works. I love that store. I picked up some more hand sanitizer and some great antibacterial handsoaps. I spent way too much money there, as always. Then we met a friend of mine from school for lunch. Ruby Tuesdays with some great people is just what the doctor ordered. Nothing will put you in a great mood more than good food with great friends. Ok, one thing will but we will not go into that here.

Then it was off to Staples. I didnt need anything there but the sister did so we stopped in. I ended getting some things. But nothing greater than my new alarm clock! Now, why would a person so apposed to getting out of bed get an alarm clock? It docks my iPod and charges it. AND now I can turn off my phone!!!!!!!!!!! Especially on Sunday mornings when I get off work at 6 am and the office is already calling me to pick up shifts all day. Now I wont be awaken by the damn phone vibrating. Im super excited. Let them call me, Im not picking up. Eat shit and die!

And, today I finished book 3 in the Bridal Quartet. The series is pretty good. My cousin told me about the books but since weddings depress me I was trying to put it off as long as I could since the books are about 4 friends who run a wedding business, and in the process fall in love and eventually get married. So thats a double whammy for me. But whatever. They are really good. But not the reason I started talking about this. I came across a quote in the book that pretty much summed everything up for me, about me, and my love life, or lack thereof.

'I dont need a ring or license, or a spectacular white dress. Its not marriage so much, or at all really, that matters. Its the promise. Its the knowing someone wants me to be part of his life. Someone loves me, that Im the one for him. Thats not just enough, its everything.'

See, doesnt that just fit me? Well folks I have to be up at my usual time tomorrow to make breakfast. Bacon and eggs and toast. And maybe I will throw some sausage in there because we all know I love my meat.

~Luci

Current Mood: Happy, Refreshed, Giddy (although I dont know why)
Currently listening to: Heartbreaker ~ Pat Benatar

Tonights quote: Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. ~
Tonights avatar:

She is a BITCH!!!!!!!

Seriously! There is this I theoretically work with. She has the morning hours for one of my clients. She gets 5 hrs/day 5 days a week and I have the 3 hrs/night 5 nights a week. She is trying to get my 15 hrs/wk. Everyday Im getting a call from the company saying that I need to do something else because Im not doing it while Im there. Bullshit! Not only am I doing everything Im supposed to be doing but Im also doing this womens work. She ALWAYS leaves the garbage in the kitchen with food in it, making it smell. She leaves all the dishes for me. AND she eats my clients food. Im so sick of this women. And she keeps calling the company and puts it on my. I can barely get my stuff done in the time Im there. UGH! Im ready to scream. Any ideas on how to deal with her? Any advice is appreciated.

~Luci

Current Mood: Pissed

Im too pissed right now for a fucking quote or square piece of shit known as an avatar.

2010, A Year In Review

So because I wasnt around most of the year I thought I would do a year in review survey to maybe catch everyone up on what happened. Im not sure how well this is going to go. So, we will see. LOL

JANUARY 2010
Where did you go on new year's? I worked. Blah
Who kissed you on new year's? Again, I worked, so no one.
Did you have a New Year's Resolution this year? Not that Im telling.
Does it snow where you live? Hell yes! Snow is a PITA
Do you like hot chocolate? LOVE it. Especially from Starbucks!
Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No. Maybe one day. But Im told that its way over rated.

FEBRUARY 2010
Who was your Valentine? No one. If you have read past posts then that would be answered for you as to why.
When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class? Yes. It was mandatory or you couldnt give them out to anyone.
Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? Nope because either way you look at it there are still 6 more weeks of winter.
What did you receive for valentine's day? Nothing
What did you give for Valentine's Day? Nothing


MARCH 2010
Are you irish? I have some Irish in my. Its really the only heritage that I embrace. LOL
Do you like corned beef and cabbage? No.
What did you do for St Patrick's Day? School. Well clinicals. And after clinicals Im too wiped to do anything.
Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? Yes!


APRIL 2010
Do you like the rain? Yes, sometimes.
Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year? Nope
Do you get tons of candy for Easter? Some.
Do you celebrate 4/20? No. I have better things to do.
Do you love the month of April? Yes and no

MAY 2010
What is your favorite flower? White carnations. And orchids. And roses.
Finish the phrase "April showers…" Bring May flowers. Also a stupid kids joke.
Do you celebrate May 16th: National Piercing Day? No. Never even heard of it until now.
Is May anything special to you? Not really. Just my nephews birthday. And Memorial Day.

JUNE 2010
What year did/will you graduate from high school? 2005, jeez Im old. And 2010 from nursing school.
Did you do anything fun during this Month? Finished school. Graduated. Had our pinning ceremony.
Have a favorite baseball team? Red Sox!

JULY 2010
What did you do on the 4th of July? Worked and then went to the drive-in with the sister.
Did you go to the fireworks? Nope.
Did you blast the A/C all day? I was in the garden shop at Kmart so they had it blasting. LOL

AUGUST 2010
Did you have a sunburn? Nope. I was good this year.
Did you go to the pool a lot? No. But I went to the beach ALOT!

SEPTEMBER 2010
Are you attending college/school? See earlier answer. I already graduated.
Do you like fall better than summer? Yes and no.
What happened this month? I took my NCLEX (state nursing boards) and PASSED!!!!! I officially became a nurse this month!!!!

OCTOBER 2010
Whats your favorite candy? I guess I would have to say gum.
What was your favorite thing(s)about this month? My birthday!
What were you for Halloween? Working.

NOVEMBER 2010
Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? My grandparents.
What are you thankful for? Getting through school, being healthy, having family around, being alive.
Do you love stuffing? OMG YES!!!!!!!
Anything exciting happen this month? Went shopping on Black Friday for the first time in my life.

DECEMBER 2010
Do you celebrate Christmas? Yes
Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe? No. Guys feel free to change that at anytime.
Get anything special last year? No, not really.
What do you want this year? No comment.
What do you love most about December? Christmas, family, baking.

Well that shed some light on what I did last year. LOL I also delievered a baby last year. March 10th. It was at clinicals. I think OB nursing is what I really want to do. I should look into that.

~Luci

Current mood: Reflective, Hungry, Funny, Tired
Currently watching: The Office season 3, still.

Really?!?!?!

I mean REALLY?!?!?!?!? I HATE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last night I got stuck in yet another clients driveway. For over an hour I tried and tried to back out. I couldnt turn around so I had to keep trying to back out. I tried calling the sister but of course all she said was 'I cant help you'. Really? I will remember that. You couldnt get out of bed and walk the little bit down the road to come help me get out of the driveway? Really? Sure.

And I kept having flashbacks to the last time I was stuck in a clients driveway. That time the car got busted up. UGH. But that didnt happen this time. The clients mother saw lights and since she knows the driveway she was able to get the car out for me. I am so thankful for that. Im still pissed off. AAA is now going to be bought. After I got home I stripped and went to bed. I curled up in about 3 blankets and then slept until 11 today.

On another note, I forgot about the bat episode on The Office. Oh how that episode makes me smile. Just what I needed today. I LOVE The Office. Well, I gotta head off so I can get ready for work. HAHA I almost said bed. LOL.

~Luci

Current Mood: Tired, Sore. Full
Currently Reading: Bed Of Roses by Nora Roberts

Todays quote: The early worm gets the worm. Micheal Scott
Todays Avatar:

Random!!!!!

Im bored. So this is what you get!

Whats your name spelt backwards? icul
What did you do last night? Work
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer? A song from iTunes, Raise Your Glass
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery? Yep. I kind of like the jolt I get from it. LOL
Last time you swam in a pool? WOW, I dont remember.
What are you wearing? Pajamas
How many cars have you owned? zero, zip, zilch. But Im getting one soon, I cant wait!
Type of music you dislike most? Rap
Are you registered to vote? Yes
Do you have cable? Yes
What kind of computer do you use? Dell
Ever made a prank phone call? Yep, back in the day at sleepovers
You like anyone right now? Yes, but Im not saying who. He reads this.
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Maybe.
Furthest place you ever traveled? Texas
What's your favorite comic strip? Pajama Diaries. NO, Frog Applause
Do u know all the words to the national anthem? If a gun was held to my head, yes, if not, then no.
Shower, morning or night? Morning. It helps me wake up.
Best movie you've seen in the past month? Beauty and the Beast. Its a classic.
Favorite pizza toppings? Extra cheese, onions, and peppers.
Chips or popcorn? Popcorn
What cell phone provider do you have? Sprint, and I HATE it!
Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Um, no. Ive never even heard of such a thing.
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Nope
Orange Juice or apple? Orange
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? My cousin, Tammi
favorite chocolate bar? Hersheys
Who is your longest friend and how long? Keisha, 18 years.
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Never. I hate tomoatos
Have you ever won a trophy? Yep
Favorite arcade game? Hmm, I guess I would have to say pacman
Ever ordered from an infomercial? Nope
Sprite or 7-UP? Sprite
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work? All the time. Its called scrubs, and in nursing school it was called scrubs, and in high school it was called a cheerleading uniform.
Last thing you bought at Walgreens? IDK
Ever thrown up in public? Yep and I wasnt even drunk.
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? True love.
Do you believe in love at first sight? I would like to but I really dont think it exists.
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON? Neither.
Did you have long hair as a young kid? Yes, still do.
What message is on your voicemail machine? Hey, its Luci. Sorry I cant pick up the phone. Leave a message and Ill get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks.
Where would you like to go right now? Somewhere warm and without snow.
Whats the name of your pet? Fudge. I miss her. She lives with my mom.
What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it? An Eastsport and it has work stuff in it.

Ok there goes. I think Im finally tired. Have a great night everyone.

~Luci

Current mood: Tired, Bored, Annoyed
Currently Watching: The Office season 3

Tonights quote: Thats what she said! ~ Michael Scott, The Office
Tonights avatar:

Its Time To Move On

Not what you guys are thinking. I am not now, nor anytime in the near future, deleting this blog. What I mean by moving on is moving on. My ex-asshole, as he is known now to everyone, really did a number on me. It left me with serious trust issues. So needless to say there havent been many men in my life in the past 6 years. But Im thinking its time to put myself out there again. I cant tell you how long its been since Ive had a date, but Im hoping to change that very soon. Im throwing myself out there. We'll see how it goes.

And lately Ive found myself attracted to bald men. Not OLD men, but men who shave their heads. I dont know why. I think it has something to do with a friend of mine, forever known to the world as Tyler. Something about the bald head just makes me go weak.

HAHA I think I know what it is. LMAO But Im not coming right out and saying what it is. Can you take a guess?

~Luci

Current Mood: Happy, Tired
Currently Watching: Orgazmo

Tonights quote: You can as easily love without trusting as you can hug without embracing.  ~Robert Brault

Tonights Avatar:

UGH

Ive been trying to sit down and write a new blog for ages. Believe me, Ive tried. But everytime I sit down to do it I come back to the same damn thing. And really its not something I want to write about. But I feel if I dont then I will never write again. So, sorry guys, I have to post this. Im warning you that it may be very deppressing.

Lately all I seem to do is think about Hess. I cant stop. Its coming up to the anniversary of his death. Thats still a hard day for me. This year will make it 6 years since that day. I can still see myself sitting in study hall when an unfamilliar number came up on my cell. I dont know why I answered it. Sometimes I wish I never did, although I know that wont change the events that led to the phone call. I still see myself lying in the nurses office balling my eyes out. I still see friends stopping by to check on me. I still see the empty seat at my graduation where he was supposed to be sitting, right next to my mom.

To this day I still cant believe he did it. I still dont understand why. I still pray everyday that he never thought that was his only option. I still wish that I was enough for him to continue on. I wish I got to say to him what I had been planning. It wasnt something I could tell him on the phone. It wasnt something I could say to him in an email. Nor was it something that could be said in a text message, well not the first time. I had been planning exactly how I was going to tell him I loved him for the first time. I was planning the drive to the airport to pick him up. He was coming home from Iraq, where he had been for 9 months. But he came home earlier thanks to an IED. But when the Army decided he was well enough he was being shipped back. I remember the last words he ever said to me. He told me he couldnt go back. He just couldnt do it. I have the note he left too. Sometimes I pull it out and read it when Im feeling down. What did it say? I cant go back there. I just cant. Tell her Im sorry and tell her I love her.

I miss him everyday but I know hes watching over me. I know he would be sad to know that I lost contact with the person that introduced us after he died. I just cant bare talking to him, its hurts too much. And dont get me started on Hess' family. Those bastards disowned him when he enlisted. They didnt even show up to his funeral even though I tried calling them.

I know this was a jumbled mess that I hope you could keep up with, but if not, Im sorry. I feel better having wrote it. Sometimes just putting in writing helps a person heal. I know I will never completely get over it but as the years go by I dont hurt as much. Maybe one day when I think of him I will only smile and remember the good times. And one day I will be able to get rid of his note, but for now Im keeping it. Its the last thing he ever wrote so Im keeping it.

If you're at this point in the post then I thank you for sticking with me. If you didnt get this far, well it doesnt matter because you wont know what Im writing here. Have a great night everyone.

~Luci

Current mood: Sad, Tired, Weepy
Currently listening to: Address In The Stars ~ Caitlin and Will

Tonights Quote (okay so its actually a poem. Sue me):
You’ve just walked on ahead of me
you’ve just walked on ahead of me
And I’ve got to understand
You must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand.
I try and cope the best I can
But I’m missing you so much
If I could only see you
And once more feel your touch.
Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me
Don’t worry I’ll be fine
But now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.

Tonight there will be no avatar. Im drained. Sorry.

I Go Back

We all have that one crush on a certain person in high school that we dont tell anyone about. You know, the one you keep secret, even from your best friend. Its not because this person is ugly, or not what people expect. You keep it secret because you want that one thing thats yours. But you also keep it secret because you dont want anything to change.

Well, I had that one crush. We were some-what friends. But then, in high school I was some-what friends with everybody. He had a little sister that he was close with. She was 2 years younger than we are. And when she entered 9th grade I had a class with her. It was an art class. I took her under my wing and we became friends. That brought me closer to him, lets call him Scotty.

Why do I bring this up? Well, running around trying to frantically finish up my holiday shopping I ran into him. I tried to hide but he saw me. I didnt even think he would remember me. But he did. And we talked for a bit. And then all those feelings came rushing back to me. I had forgotten how I had felt about him. You suppress things sometimes. And thats one of those things I suppressed.

And now I cant stop thinking about him. I try, but I cant. Now I have a question for yall. What do you think  I should do? Should I facebook him or no? I kind of miss the days when I hung out with him and his sister.

~Luci

Current Mood: Tired, scared, quizzical

Tonights quote: You spend twelve years of your life trying to learn how to live, but every time you do try to live in those twelve years you're told you're wrong. Then everyone you've grown to love is taken away and scattered. That's what they should teach you. How to say good-bye and let go.

Tonights avatar: