UGH

Ive been trying to sit down and write a new blog for ages. Believe me, Ive tried. But everytime I sit down to do it I come back to the same damn thing. And really its not something I want to write about. But I feel if I dont then I will never write again. So, sorry guys, I have to post this. Im warning you that it may be very deppressing.

Lately all I seem to do is think about Hess. I cant stop. Its coming up to the anniversary of his death. Thats still a hard day for me. This year will make it 6 years since that day. I can still see myself sitting in study hall when an unfamilliar number came up on my cell. I dont know why I answered it. Sometimes I wish I never did, although I know that wont change the events that led to the phone call. I still see myself lying in the nurses office balling my eyes out. I still see friends stopping by to check on me. I still see the empty seat at my graduation where he was supposed to be sitting, right next to my mom.

To this day I still cant believe he did it. I still dont understand why. I still pray everyday that he never thought that was his only option. I still wish that I was enough for him to continue on. I wish I got to say to him what I had been planning. It wasnt something I could tell him on the phone. It wasnt something I could say to him in an email. Nor was it something that could be said in a text message, well not the first time. I had been planning exactly how I was going to tell him I loved him for the first time. I was planning the drive to the airport to pick him up. He was coming home from Iraq, where he had been for 9 months. But he came home earlier thanks to an IED. But when the Army decided he was well enough he was being shipped back. I remember the last words he ever said to me. He told me he couldnt go back. He just couldnt do it. I have the note he left too. Sometimes I pull it out and read it when Im feeling down. What did it say? I cant go back there. I just cant. Tell her Im sorry and tell her I love her.

I miss him everyday but I know hes watching over me. I know he would be sad to know that I lost contact with the person that introduced us after he died. I just cant bare talking to him, its hurts too much. And dont get me started on Hess' family. Those bastards disowned him when he enlisted. They didnt even show up to his funeral even though I tried calling them.

I know this was a jumbled mess that I hope you could keep up with, but if not, Im sorry. I feel better having wrote it. Sometimes just putting in writing helps a person heal. I know I will never completely get over it but as the years go by I dont hurt as much. Maybe one day when I think of him I will only smile and remember the good times. And one day I will be able to get rid of his note, but for now Im keeping it. Its the last thing he ever wrote so Im keeping it.

If you're at this point in the post then I thank you for sticking with me. If you didnt get this far, well it doesnt matter because you wont know what Im writing here. Have a great night everyone.

~Luci

Current mood: Sad, Tired, Weepy
Currently listening to: Address In The Stars ~ Caitlin and Will

Tonights Quote (okay so its actually a poem. Sue me):
You’ve just walked on ahead of me
you’ve just walked on ahead of me
And I’ve got to understand
You must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand.
I try and cope the best I can
But I’m missing you so much
If I could only see you
And once more feel your touch.
Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me
Don’t worry I’ll be fine
But now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.

Tonight there will be no avatar. Im drained. Sorry.